the real me..... fareal this time

So as Ive grown up.. being just a young woman <-best book yu could ever read written by any girl
ive sometimes found it difficult to be myself
I was always either:
 a) white
 b) strange
 c) hippie
blahblahblah.

So i worked extra hard trying to find myself through what other people perceived of me
because i am SUCH A PLEASER,and i dint kno anything about me
and never taken the time out to appreciate myself that i was willing to compromise
for whatever anyone was willling to tell me about myself.. shii i didnt kno.
i realized that it was changing my life when i begun judging my sister
she was 'Ghetto' and "ugh why do yu act like that?"
i couldnt STAND the fact that she was comfortable being herself.
i imitated judgement of her in the same way judgement was given to me

byyyy theeeee waayyyyy
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE 
-Marty Daniels, 1992


the more i grew into myself and all the energy it was taken me to hide my true colors
triggered a red alarm in my head like
OKAYYYYY YU CANT DO THIS ANYMORE TOSH
i couldn't find any motivation in continuing to be what other people wanted
pieces of me built on a weak foundation
they crumbled with every new bit of strength and confidence.
and as fast as i had made up my mind the situation drowned me in things i werent prepared for...
i thought i had reached the top of the mountain but the sun wasnt shining....

i was trapped
i was lost
& i was alone

trapped// i cant go back, but im too afraid to go forward... whats out there? yu kno the world is already bad. :(
lost// nobody prepared me for this. i dont even know who i am. how am i supposed to find out who i am. what if im jus a really mean ugly person that no one likes? haha
alone// no one else is like yu, and to stand up and be yourself no one else can tell yu who yu are besides u. /TRUTH

and when the world is kickin my ass!!!! who comes to my rescue??? ..... God :)
i swear when im feelin my worse and no one can get me up i jus look to God.
and there he was waitin for me' with my sunshine. ;)

once i understood that God was the only person i needed to please because i understood that he is THEEE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SEE MY HEART. i broke down in tears. it was like he healed me in jus that instant
i was FREE to be whoever i pleased because he was all that mattered.

I didnt worry about who on Earth was gonna love me because i knew God would put everything in place & i put my trust into him. :)
I kno this is fresh and i may still have some bumps along the way, bt hey im always down for the lesson . God made me beautiful.

So excuse me world I would like to introduce myself AGAIN ...

My name is Tosh, and i choose to speak from my soul. im jus growing into a beautiful young woman in a world that is never real. i feel like He made love my purpose and imma follow it through. everyones got a voice so hit me up.