if you were wondering what im waiting for.

i wrote this like 4 years ago, but its STILL the same for me! :)


i want to meet someone who loves me for me! who tries his best to make me feel comfortable! he always cares and respects me when i say no! but he wont ever let me push him to do what he clearly says no to! i want to meet sombeody who's about his dinero but also enjoys the simple things in life and doesnt let material stuff consume him. i want to meet someone who has a future and doesnt feel he has to prove his self to anyone around him because he knows who he is. i need to meet someone who wont ever lie to me because he knows how important trust is to me. i like for him to know when he hurts my feeling and isnt too emotional in telling me hes sorry. and he doesnt get easily bothered when im on my period and i turn into bitch mode. he knows how to appreciate what i give him because he knows imma give him my all. who will recognize that we will have problems and wont give up but try to work through them because he loves me. who will always be my friend first but is still is able to give my butterflies when he walks into any room!



only thing thats diff now is there is MORE TO ADD! lol

getHIGH

inspiration is the BEST drug to EVER experience! it can change your life. :)
nd the BEST thing is that its contagious, you get HIGH off INSPIRATION next thing you kno EVERYONE around you is HIGH
soooo, keep your EYES open and look at things a lil closer, cuz we goin get you HIGH today.

EVERYONE is BEAUTIFUL, no one is UGLY!

Do you kno how EVERY mother can say that their child is beautiful? BECAUSE they are beautiful! Everyone is BEAUTIFUL. They’ve taken the time to embrace their child’s beauty, and you must embrace that beauty with OTHERS too!!

Conventional beauty is safe so its easy to spot. but #inmyopinion that "usual" (but still beautiful) beauty is not as stunning! When you really look at someone, I mean REALLY look at someone you will be surprised how much better he or she look at first glance.

Someone that doesnt have "clear skin" may make you miss their gorgeous facial structure.

Someone that has a large nose may make you miss their striking eyes.

When you look past conventional beauty you will find MUCH MORE than you would have expected. Your eyes will open to something you have never experienced. When i say everyone is beautiful i also mean that, NO ONE is ugly. You have to embrace them fully and really "see" them!

Your spirit also plays into your beauty. Your ATTITUDE is jus as good as your odor. If it STINKS no ONE wants to be near YOU!

I had originally posted this on myTwitter and I dont think anyone was feeling me. lmao. i didnt get a single RT . lmao

Its okay tho, when ever i dont get a RT i think of it as im teaching you. You haven’t experienced it yet
but as soon as you’ve heard (or read) this it’s a seed ive planted in YOUR MIND, so the next time it happens you'll recognize nd BELIEVE it!

But I felt like I needed to share this with FB too. :) everyday i get wiser, everyday i get sharper, everyday more confident. EVERYDAY i gain faith




***if i tagged you, its promotional purposes only. nd if you DONT want the JUNK on your page. feel free to untag,TRUST i understand. lol

i STAND. alone
i LEAD. myself
i MOVE. with my HEART

i AM. me

latenightFREESTYLIN. mindBLEED

i gave myself to you. i shouldve kept my shit tucked, bonded stronger then hot glue i stayed stuck. and all the drama with you is because i really gave a fcuk. wondering how i keep gettin badluck. never wouldve gave you up. crossed lines with others because my love is dangerous and of you i couldnt enough but i guess i wasnt GOOD enough. wondering how to give this up, cuz i already GAVE me up. he already used me up.

maybe i havent learned enough.

leave with something of his before he leaves with something of yours, that thought jus sounded like the next prospect for gold diggin whores. smh. haha but that aint me, at least i kno i dont have to worry about him callin me. (sigh) 

** random but therapeutic :)

dont.fight.me.... i'll hurt you

Sometimes I feel like I hold the strength of a vicious bitee.

I'll attack quick babe so there will be no fight. 

And if yu bleed long i will nurse yur wounds. 

I hate to cause pain but I felt like I had to protect me from yu.

My mind is my weapon I'm only defensive when I sense competition.  

Don't fight me. I won't fight yu. 

If yu jus love me I will love yu.    

understand me?

i liked me a little better when people didnt kno me..

yu wanna live life freely ?
STAY OUT of the fcukin spotlight
and EVERYBODYS got somethin to say..
spare me, ive GOT ENOUGH thoughts to occupy myself.
i dont NEED yours either,
no ONE can be more critical of me but me..
yu DONT FCUKIN kno my life!

i dont like to be angry i promise but society&& its BULLSHIT can REALLY be a peeve!

iQuit Twitter

perfect place for my mind.
wrongFCUKIN audience..

well, im goin to TRY and quit twitter. :)

how i met my pretend boyfriend.

Chillin at B&N..
and love is on my mind...
:( im trapped in this space...
im so passionate about it
its scares me... i think i maybe scaring other people.

okay so this is how i imagined it....
see id be sitting here on my Laptop writing about you jus how im doing it now.
sitting up straight in one of the steel chairs at the table.
headphones blasting . white mocha sippen. dilligently typing jus like im doin now...

and from the parking lot this chocolate man with nice lips and small eyes walks up and
innocently looks me over..
and maybe you were walkin in jus to pick up a book for your mother
wearing your sweats vneck and slip ons .. or your psych class.
you saw me i saw you .. we make eye contact and then you look away..
oh well eye candy here and gone...

back to the typing madness... and before im prepared.
theres a gentle tap on my shoulder and then you shift to the side..
i give you one of my favorite what the fcuk looks .
your expression changes to one of suprise and concern
"i apologize i didnt mean to scare you"
and i smirk. more relaxed. "its all good"
eye candy is gonna SELL HISSELF to me.. :)

and so we chat. he's smart. he's in the process of going where he wants to go.
wherever that is. total gentleman politely asks me if he could see me again sometime.
NOT 'AY, can i get your number?'
and the story begins..
but i DUNNO thas only how i imagined it... :/

that shit will NEVER happen... oh well

i.am.not.crazy

believe me when i say it.
im jus a product of my circumstances.
and if you jus give me the chance to explain i WILL make sense to you.
if i could jus show you the inner workings of me
you would get it.
cuz fcuk i make sense to me! 
its hard to write a blog without spillin it all.
but i kno some people WOULD BE upset with me.
fcuk it i jus think a little differently...

(sigh) why are you reading this? it means absolutely nothing. but come back later i should have some good stuff.

how do you say...

"im hurting"

come back later. 

its jus junk, dont read it.

sometimes i hold back .
sharing wayy too much of my life
like i wonder who in the hell would wanna read this?
jus being nosey? or do you geniunely care to listen? do i just spark your interest?
i like having relationships with soo many people but then at the same time i question them.

i never trust anyone, everyones got some plans of their own.

Marsha tells me i'll NEVER be with anyone! Not because they dont want me, guys love me! But if you get too close i shut down run off and disappear. im afraid to let anyone get close to me

mommytobe. (year 2028)

so I couldnt wait to be a Mommy....
although im smart enough to realize i cant handle one now..
but i couldnt help to fantasize about the journey...
goin backwards..
i SWORE i wouldnt be a Mom before i am a wife
my children will ALWAYS have their Mother&Father around
and i thought well damn finding jus a stable guy friend is hard enough
and then again its like fcuk id have to be a wife..
and to be a wife i have to be a grown woman
oh but wait to be a grown woman takes alot of time, experience, independence and maturity
fcuk i cant even take care of myself now and you want me to stand proud and tell you im a woman?
yikes!
hell im only 19, half the time i still act 17..
i dont WANT TO GROW UP!
that 'Mom' shii can wait this must be a phase..

somedays i wish i knew my father

maybe this would help unlock the mysteries in me.
like certain things about myself that have always been strange to me
theyre only strange because i dont understand them
where were yu Dad when i need yu to explain them?
where were you for graduation?
where were you to tell me i was beautiful ?
where were you to tell me i looked a fcukin mess?
i needed you Dad.
i need you when my car broke down.
i needed you to tell me how to tell me to pick the right guy
i needed you to tell me how TO LOVE the right guy
who WANTS to be with me?
i lack the skils to be a DAMN girlfriend
mother did her BEST but there were somethings she JUS COULDNT teach me
even then i jus wish i knew you,
sometimes its scary to think that if you passed
i wouldnt miss you.
i cant be sure i would shed a tear.
the relationship didnt exist.
but im trying because i need to get something out of you..
fcuk what Mom said, you never had to give me anything for my bday.
you NEVER ever had to pay child support
i jus needed you to call me every once and awhile.
see how im livin
and encouraged me to get wherever i needed to go..

life is as hard as it is already... i would least be able to this is my father, and remember the things he taught me...

I AM SICK OF TALKING ABOUT BOYS!!!!

itsalreadyyours.

do yu ever find yourself so overwhelmed with emotions that it jus makes you want to cry.
YU jus cant let anybody get to you
you gotta take that little piece inside yourself..
that tells you maybe you could be this..
AND BLOW IT THE FCUK UP!!
yuve gOT to KNO youve got GOD
& start KICKIN DOORS down.
youve got to HAVE THE confidence to let people kno that YOUVE ARRIVED
people WILL TALK SHIT.
BUT ITS YOUR LIFE; YOUR WORLD
as longgg as you have an understanding with God nothing they SAY matters..
take this as your strength Tests.
be ready to put in the WORK
no ones gonna respect a dreamer who SITS ON theyre ass!!
TAKE EVERY OPPURTUNITY to display your talent
believe in YOURSELF.
it will seep through yur pores
and sneak up on someone else.
they'll believe yu.
jus GO FOR IT !

:)